To put it simply, if you can visualize life as a yearlong road trip, then February is the gas station bathroom. It is the red-headed stepchild of the calendar. Mercifully, it is only allotted 28 days, but occasionally it swells to 29. And to make it even more annoying, whoever invented February tossed in an extra "r" just to make it difficult to spell.
There are no sports of interest left on television after the Super Bowl, and because the weather is so erratic, it's difficult to schedule any type of outdoor activity. That makes weekends awful because we are generally stuck inside, forced to engage in unfamiliar and awkward activities. Like household chores or conversation.
Now consider this. A proposal to get rid of the month of February could be the lightning rod to revitalize the campaign of Rick Perry for the Republican nomination for President.
Think about it. Remember how popular he became when he suggested that Texas secede from the United States? This could be even better because it would undoubtedly gain traction with far more Americans. The idea would certainly appeal to younger voters because it would eliminate stress. Students have a load of essays and midterms in February. Without that headache, they could go directly from the Christmas holidays straight to spring break.
It would also garner favor with elderly voters. Perry could take credit for shortening the deadly cold and flu season by one month. It would also appeal to Midwesterners because it would reduce the period of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), a mysterious winter malady that attacks people who eat too much cheese.
But here's the clincher. If February is eliminated, he could then propose spreading those spare 28 days over the months of September through December, thereby making football season four weeks longer. That strategy would pretty much secure 90 percent of the male voters.
Now I know what you're thinking. What would Rick do about leap year?
Simple. How about every four years, we just add that extra day to some weekend. And in his honor, we would call that day Perryruary. (Yeah, we'd even keep that stupid extra "r.") Problem solved. Now who among us wouldn't go along with that idea?
Of course there might be a few stumbling blocks. Given his early debate appearances, the day he announces his historic proposal, Rick might forget which month he wants to eliminate. Then, of course, we'd have to figure out how to deal with the more notable events and month-long celebrations that occur in February.
There probably wouldn't be much difficulty getting the Cordova Iceworm Festival to reschedule. A bigger issue might be the handling of Punxsutawney Phil and Lincoln's birthday.
But here's the real problem. Valentine's Day. The confectioners, florists and greeting card industry would never put up with that. Not to mention your girlfriend.
But give Rick and every guy out there a break here. We're barely getting back on our feet financially from the hit we took just a month and a half earlier at Christmas.
Couldn't you women at least agree to celebrate Valentine's Day in the month we're most solvent? Come to think of it, I guess that would probably be the month before we started dating.
Alright, I admit it was a bad idea. February and Valentine's Day are here to stay in Texas. Kinda like Rick.
All complaints can be directed to [email protected].
illustration by Charles Marsh
