Heywood's Take: Worst Of?

You've seen the best; now here's the worst.

Every year, Fort Worth Magazine comes out with its extremely popular “Best Of” issue. Now some of you have written to me about doing a “Worst Of” column, but I haven’t done one for a couple of reasons. Lawsuits and drive-bys. But then I got to thinking. Rather than just pick on people, places or things in our area, why not just go global? So, I searched through almanacs, maps, bibliographies, dictionaries and encyclopedias. I even consulted a psychic, but I knew she wasn’t legit when she let me write a check. I’ve only provided a small sample, but I think this information could still be useful to our readers. I certainly hope you agree.

Worst Restaurant
Crabby Joe’s Tap and Grill in Canada.
Annually voted the country’s worst restaurant, the good thing about it is there’s never a wait. In fact, there’s never been a reservation. If you do decide to visit, you might want to try Joe’s signature dish, jellied moose nose. After that, assuming you’re not running to the bathroom or waiting for the ambulance to arrive, check out the dessert menu. I’m guessing that there are not many establishments left where you can find a heaping bowl of lobster ice cream or a big slice of vinegar pie.

Worst Cocktail
The Cement Mixer.
This is an enticing mix of Baileys Irish Cream, lime juice and a raw egg.  What makes this drink unique is that the ingredients actually congeal when they combine in your mouth. And if you’re like me, that has all the appeal of walking barefoot through a public restroom. But for some reason, it’s very popular in England. Then again, so is lousy dental work.

The Smoker’s Cough. Concocted in New Orleans, this drink is a combination of Jägermeister and mayonnaise all mixed together in a shot glass. It probably tastes as bad as it looks. I really don’t know for sure, because I couldn’t find anybody that had ever tried it. But it’s apparently very strong. Legend has it that a mosquito fell into one. Two minutes later, it was trying to sing.

Worst Ideas for a Product
Cheetos Lip Balm.
This is for people who, for one reason or another, crave Cheetos on a daily basis; and haven’t you always wanted your lips to match your fingers?

Harley Davidson Perfume. Hey ladies, no man can resist the smell of hot rubber and Pennzoil.

Clairol Touch of Yogurt Shampoo. Finally, save time in the morning with a shampoo we can also have for breakfast.

Worst Revelation by a Celebrity
Al Roker.
Despite being America’s most popular weatherman, Al Roker finally revealed that he really doesn’t care what the weather is like in your neck of the woods.

Worst Condiments
Hands down, it’s either Miracle Whip or fat-free mayonnaise.

Worst Expressions
“Do what you love, and the money will follow.”
The only way that expression will make you money is if your name is Taylor Swift and that’s the title of your new song.

“You can’t give up on her.” Sure. Be persistent. Keep after her. Of course, that’s also known as stalking.

“My door is always open.” Really?  Then why do you need a door?

Yeah, I realize that this may be a dumb idea. But sometimes dumb ideas work. Just remember: There’s a guy out there who invented a wrench and named it Allen. If you’ve got any suggestions, just drop by and see me. My door is always open. Mainly because I lost the key.


illustration by Charles Marsh