Q: I have been married for five years, and lately it seems like all I do is argue with my husband. It's over the silliest things, but everything he does seems to drive me crazy and lead to my snapping at him. He hasn't asked me to go to dinner in forever and is spending a lot of time at home in the other room watching TV. How can we get back on the same page and stop all of the bickering?
A: You know what they say: A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.
No matter how strong your marriage, life can be messy, boring and often stressful. Your married life has seasons of strength and also times that it feels anemic. While experts agree that a certain degree of arguing is part of a healthy marriage, you don't want your relationship to be consumed by bickering and the need to be separated in different rooms of the house. Or in a different house all together.
In 2010, I read an article about an unusual way that a couple managed to stay happily married for nearly 40 years. They lived next door to each other rather than with each other.
Each morning, Gabrielle and Jan Henning eat breakfast together and carpool to their jobs. At the end of the day, they often do their grocery shopping or grab dinner. Gabrielle can put her collectibles everywhere she wants and doesn't have to deal with Jan's smoking habits, and Jan can enjoy a home with less clutter.
Apparently this living arrangement is more common than I realized. Upon further research, I learned that others have taken this approach to staying happy in their marriages including Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton. The famous spouses claimed that they chose to live separately because of Burton's snoring and Carter's bossiness. Reportedly, they did move under the same roof late last year after years of living apart.
Now I am not suggesting that this is how you resolve the issues you are having. In my opinion, this is the pansy-way out. Marriage isn't easy. It has the marks and scars from years of celebrating the good times, but also being in the trenches and trudging through the hard times. It's those battles and that history together that makes it worthwhile.
Of course there are certain little things that can make you nuts, like the position of the toilet seat, possession of the remote control or whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher. But there are universally a handful of bigger topics that almost all couples will quarrel about during the life of their marriage: money (mismanagement or not enough), sex (too much or not enough), in-laws, kids, jealousy and balance of household/career responsibilities.
In my opinion, the trick to improving your marriage is to find a better way to communicate than what you have been doing. No relationship will be satisfying unless both people can express what they need from the other. Find a new way to voice your concerns without belittling or nagging. Maybe invite him to dinner and use that time to express your concerns in a calm way. It will open up the channel of communication for him to express his concerns as well.
If the bickering can't be resolved and you are left feeling angry, bitter and resentful, you may want to seek professional help. Or start looking for his-and-her condos.
illustration by Charles Marsh
