The other night, while lying in my “full”-size, four-post, antique bed, I had a very profound thought.
I'm not sure that any woman would want to sleep in a full-size, four-post, antique bed with me.
One thousand thread count sheets be damned, I've got a real problem on my hands. And it's not just the diminutive capacity of my vintage furniture. It's the man lying on top of it.
Granted, there's a queen bed in the other room, the room that is classically defined as the “Master Bedroom,” which for all intents and purposes, I should be sleeping in. Regrettably, I've developed some distinctive and rather irritating little quirks in the last year or so.
Wait…that's a lie. I've had these little “idiosyncrasies” for quite some time. As the saying goes, you can't teach an old dog new tricks. But can you beat them out of him? Hopefully I'll find that special someone who's willing to roll up a newspaper and give me some schooling.
Or just take me out behind the barn.
Oh yes, I have many problems.
1). I sleep with the TV on. This is a deal breaker for most people. Living alone, sometimes the greatest sound you fear is the sound of silence and believe you me, I've got it in spades. I just enjoy the distracting chatter of network programming in the background. Problem is, after about 1:30 or so, the infomercials come on. Ever heard of something called “Insanity?” Well, they don't call it that for no reason. That thing is on every channel, and it's starting to haunt my dreams. I've been dreaming of kick boxing and “feeling the burn” a lot more than I should. This has got to stop.
2). I find flatulence very amusing. Okay, I can easily unlearn this practice but I will truly miss the laughter.
3). I am a morning person…an incredibly pleasant morning person. This is a characteristic that most people find incredibly UNPLEASANT. I can, however, be suitably anesthetized with Benadryl.
4). My refrigerator is from the early 80s. I would call it “vintage,” but really it's just and old-ass refrigerator. I find it charming. Other people find it to be very frightening. When that compressor shuts off at 3 in the morning, you'd think that the world is coming to an end.
5). If I have a Q-tip anywhere near any of my various head holes, you are hereby notified to keep your distance. I forgot to mention that I do this in the morning. Aside from my myriad fears (heights, snakes, clowns, those furry stinging caterpillars), I have always felt that I will one day be accidentally impaled and rendered to a life of monaural hearing. I would also like to mention that I have very clean ears.
6). Do you like the sound of birds chirping? Pretty bird, pretty bird! They are so sweet, aren't they? Well buckle up, Jane Goodall, because come 6:45, the concert begins! It's like an aviary rap album. Each one taking turns with a new, vulgar diatribe. Personally, I would much rather wake up to the Harlem Shake (the worst song EVER) than listen to those winged rats at sunrise. Some people find that charming. I think it is an overt and unsettling omen.
But the one thing that is a deal breaker for all but the most anointed of potential mates/bed buddies is…
6). Night terrors, or, more specifically, night hilarity.
There is nothing worse than a person that laughs at their own jokes. Oh wait, there is. It's a person that laughs at their own jokes in their dreams in the middle of the night. Any humorous anecdotes that fall flat during my waking life are an absolute larf while I'm asleep.
Other than that, I'm absolutely perfect from midnight until 6:45 a.m.
So if you're a doctor, a pharmacist or a bird lover, congratulations. Your Eden awaits.
