Heywood’s Bucket List: 8 Things He’ll Never Do

A preview into Heywood’s bucket list … of things he’ll probably never do.

Have you ever been curious about the origin of the term “bucket list”? Me neither. I always assumed it came from the title of that 2007 movie about two terminally ill men, played by Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson, who head off on a road trip with a wish list of to-dos before they die.

Turns out I was off about 200 years. The term supposedly appears in some writings dating back to 1795. I found that interesting because one of the things on the Fort Worth bucket list was “standing in line at Joe T’s.” Those poor folks that lived back in the 1700s couldn’t have done that, especially on a Friday night. Their life expectancy wasn’t that long.

Anyway, a while back I made a fairly long bucket list. And over the years, I’ve gradually managed to scratch each one of them off. Mainly because I couldn’t afford them. So I got to thinking. Rather than starting another list of to-dos, why not make a bucket list of things I’ll probably never do. It’s a surefire way to avoid all that pressure and possible disappointment that comes with trying to accomplish something. I’ve just gotten started, but see what you think.

1. Swim with the sharks. This is actually on top of many people’s bucket lists. Divers swear it’s a once in a lifetime experience. Well, so is getting eaten. You see, in order to swim with the sharks, they have to be attracted to that area by “chumming the water” with fish heads and other fish parts to ensure the best results. Consequently, there will be food in the water at the same time as the swimmers. Although it’s actually extremely safe, I still don’t like the risk of becoming part of a buffet.

2. Go skydiving. Shouldn’t it be called ground diving?  When you dive out of an airplane, you ain’t headed for the sky.

3. Confront my fear of spiders and snakes. People always say, “Why are you afraid of spiders? They’re smaller than you.” Yeah, well so is a grenade. Think what you want, but if I ever encounter something with more than seven legs or less than one, it won’t need to make any dinner plans.

4. Figure out a hotel showerhead in less than five minutes. It just can’t be done.

5. Get rid of my Captain Hook nightlight in the bedroom. It’s hard to believe that a small, low-voltage light bulb has kept monsters from getting under my bed ever since I was 6 years old. No way I’m getting rid of it. You can’t argue with success.

6. Do anything with the word “colonic” in it.

7. Buy the first round of drinks. That’s the only time people care about what they’re drinking.

8. Learn to use the self-checkout machine. I actually wish I could. That’s because these days, even the express lanes take 30 minutes. I’m convinced that if all the grocery stores in town went out of business, only 10 cashiers would be out of work. 

Anyway, you get the drift. I like the idea of finally having a bucket list I’ll always be able to complete before the Grim Reaper starts wandering around the porch. By the way, if you have a regular bucket list, you might as well add “thumbing through the rest of this magazine” to it. You’ve got at least 10 more minutes in the 15-items-or-less lane.